Divorcé Tales: Ignorance IS Bliss

These days are not uneventful by any means. I wish they were. Maybe then I could catch my breath. So much has been going on: school; sick kiddies and dealing with the Future Mr. X. Ugh, knowing that I will forever have to deal with him does not make me happy. There are moments where I feel like we are on the same page and other moments when I wonder exactly what in the hell was I thinking?

Does love really make people blind and ignorant to things that otherwise would not have been allowed to happen? I really think it does. I was in blissful love. This is not a smart place to be. Blissful love is, well, full of ignorance, or at least the inability or desire to see what is going on around you. Yeah, I was Blissfully in Love. I would have done, and did a LOT, to make that man happy.

But my eyes have been opened, the curtains are pulled back and my eyes are still adjusting to the light. Seeing someone you use to be with romantically for years in a new light is a little difficult at first. It has to be awkward for him too. I mean, we were two people bound by marriage and forever connected through our children.

Now, there are some things I want to be ignorant about: what stupid thing he did that day, his whereabouts, so on and so forth. Not knowing some of these things would make me blissfully happy. And, for right now, it helps with the adjustment due to the change in our relationship. Ahh… bliss, bliss, sweet bliss.

Divorcé Tales: Relationship Label Maker

This has been a CRAZY week! I’ve gotten everything from people popping up out of my past looking for hookups to just feeling totally bogged down remembering past relationship issues. Why is it that the past just won’t stay in the past? Specifically, why does Mr. X think I want him? I was never interested in the past. And receive an email and a phone call out of the blue, really creeped me out. Especially when they state they were watching my Facebook profile, ewwwww. Do these types of people think that you are so desperate coming out of a relationship that you would settle for them? What IS that all about?

To combat this issue, I think there should be a relationship label maker, something that literally leaves a tag on people so you don’t waste your time. For example, one label might say:

I will lie about my entire life to bait you in and only have you later realize everything was a sham. Of course by that time, you would have become invested emotionally and have a hard time moving on. Proceed with caution!

Of course that would make dating way too easy; and who needs easy!? Why can’t we just meet and be brutally honest? Hi I don’t like feeling suffocated and I really need space. If I don’t call you every day, it isn’t because I don’t like you or aren’t interested; it’s just that you are but a fraction of my life.

Divorcé Tales: Got MILF?

I have several friends that are single mothers and several that are married and also mothers. The past couples of days I have heard stories that made me giggle and yearn to be in their positions. From tales of rose petals being misplaced in areas of the body that shall not be named to being asked that all so important “Are you with your baby daddy” question, my friends have kept me updated on the dating world and I have been led to the conclusion that the flavor of the week is MILF; and my friends fall into that category. LOL

So now I’m wondering, where’s my suitor? Yes I know; it is too soon for me to start looking. But a girl would like to feel she’s still got it. Yes, I feel I have kept it together over these years. Yes, I still get that “look” from the male population. But, no one speaks up anymore. I think I am unconsciously putting out that I hate men vibe. I have been told by strangers “Smile. It’s not that bad.” And how in the hell do you know? Hmm… thinking back, maybe that was that their pick up line and I was just too pissed off to notice. This only reaffirms my feelings that I am not ready to start dating again. But I can’t help but get that little ping in my chest and get a major case of the “I wants.” I want to cuddle; I want to hold hands; etc., etc., etc.

These feelings have put me out of my comfort zone. I was never that clingy needy girl. What in the world is going on? I do not like feeling this way; I do so want them to go away. Is it possible to come out of a separation and divorce feeling, well softer? I always felt that my marriage left me tougher and probably ruined me for anyone else. I would be one tough shell to crack. But now, I’m not so sure. So, on with my MILF maintenance. Geez, what’s a girl got to do to get a hello?

Divorcé Tales: The Mother Ring

Since I have stopped wearing those double bands of “bliss,” I find myself wondering “what are people thinking about when they see me out with my kids?” Do they think I’m a baby mamma? Do they think my kids have separate fathers? I sometimes even find myself hiding my left hand because I don’t want people thinking I’m some woman that sleeps around and got knocked up, twice. And then I wonder “why do I care what they think anyway? I know I had my kids after I had gotten married. But that shouldn’t even matter; ‘to each his own.’

But I can’t help but think about that sometimes. People are very judgmental. I know because I was, and sometimes still am, one of those people. We’ve all done it at some point. And I think this sucks. No, not because I am now in the single mother category. I thought these types of attitudes were bad before I joined this category. I just feel that as women and mothers, we have to deal with enough in our day-to-day lives without dealing with being looked down upon by others. Every trip to the grocery store: Oooooo look at that, another single mother. Ain’t that a shame? Those poor kids growing up without a father figure in their life. YES PEOPLE, I AM A SINGLE MOTHER! YES, MY KIDS LOOK ALIKE! THEY HAVE THE SAME PARENTS! YES, MY LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL

Divorcé Tales: Dating

There were several clues this relationship wasn’t going to work out. I suppose the first was a dwindling sex life. Alas, when the deed is done, so is the relationship. I know. It sucks. But, the truth hurts and knowledge is power, so on and so forth. Sex is a big deal in a marriage. Wife and hubby play nicer when they are happier. Those little things like taking out the trash and putting the toilet seat down aren’t as big of a deal when you’re having great sex.

At some point in my marriage, our sex life died. I then proceeded to wrap it in a plastic bag, drag it in the backyard and bury it. Out of sight, out of mind; whomever thought of this should be shot. This statement is not true, and never will be. No matter how long it takes, that thought will pop up, or be dug up.

With my upcoming freedom, I find myself pondering: what is sex like with someone new? I was in this relationship, faithfully, for almost ten years. Obviously, I know how it’s done; I have two kids. But maybe I’m out of touch? What’s going on out there? Curiosity and some weird footage on the YouTube™ video, I have decided that there has to be someone that’s old school like me. When the time is right it’ll happen. There is some crazy stuff out there and I’m open-minded; but, seriously, two girls, one cup? I still vomit a little.

And of course there will be more to add to this category when it happens. Until then, you and I are both waiting. So, what's a newly single girl suppose to do now?

Divorcé Tales: Onward and Upward

Time has passed and while every day brings a new trial, I am able to move on towards something better. That doesn’t necessarily mean move on to another person. I am not looking for someone else right now. I am still finding myself and focusing on my family. They are my main concern right now. There are difficult times ahead of us. And I may lose my mind momentarily and wish that their father was there to help. But I will quickly regain consciousness and realize that things are better and that he shouldn’t be there to help me watch the kids because I want to take a shower or catch a quick nap. I’ll be a dirty and exhausted woman before that happens.

I’ve learned that I am a strong woman, stronger than I thought. So, while I juggle myself, kids, household and grad school I think about how much better things are going to be for us. I am not just doing this for them, but for myself too.

And if you are experiencing the same thing, when you realize this, you can’t help but let go and move on. Don’t hang on to the negative crap and wonder why you? Why not you? Let it go. Who wants to hang on to old crap anyway? And if you really think about it as if it is rotting old crap, not the fresh hot stuff, but the stuff left out that no one would get rid of, do you really want it? I don’t. Crap stinks; phew…

Divorcé Tales: Acceptance

After acknowledging I was one pissed off momma, I realized where I was in my relationship; and I had been there a while. I was completely unhappy and frustrated. I had given up a lot and felt cheated. I was robbed out of what those before me, around me and after me, had and would have: a healthy happy relationship. I re-examined a lot of things that had happened and I wanted to blame him for all of them. But honestly, he didn’t do it alone.

Yes, he still pisses me off. Yes, he still does stupid things that make me wonder why I got married in the beginning. Thinking back, there were signs everywhere that I should have gotten off this ride. Here are some examples:

1. Everyone, except me, felt like we had the “perfect” relationship.
2. Me sarcastically half-joking and complaining about how much he was an idiot. Half a joke is half the truth.
3. No sex.
4. Lots and lots of lies that I knew were lies but just moved on. You see arguing with an idiot that would tell such an awful lie and expect me to actually believe it is futile. It’s like yelling at Helen Keller with her back turned; she ain’t going to hear you.
5. The increase in pornographic media and strip clubs with no concern for how it made me feel.
6. His stupid willingness to engage in petty crimes and other illegal activities with no concern that he might actually be stupid enough to get caught.
7. His lack of involvement with his kids.
8. No sex.
9. No sex.
10. Lots and lots of arguing and threats to leave.
11. Making me feel like worthless crap.
12. No sex. Geez, our kids are miracle babies.
13. Realizing I was a bigger moron for staying that long.

After realizing all this, I easily accepted I played a role in our downfall. I accepted where I was and what I was becoming. I could choose to look at myself as a statistic. But that would be wrong. Instead, I am one of the lucky ones that realized a relationship, for the sake of kids and being in a relationship, isn’t a good idea. Oh hello freedom… I’ll be with you in one minute.

Divorcé Tales: Acknowledge

I was told many things by family members and friends about how I should handle the situation. Some friends gave great advice without advising me on what to do because they were not in my situation. They had no idea what I should do, had never in my place and couldn’t do anything more than listen to me rant about wanting to commit MANY illegal acts, blame the world and pity sobs. They were great!

Then, there are those that are not so great. These people don’t get the point of why you are talking to them. They want to give solutions when honestly, there is no solution. There are too many variables and they don’t know everything that happened in the relationship. There are many reasons why they are clueless about some of the things that occurred; but, the most important reason is because I didn’t tell them everything for one reason or other: they are nosy; they can’t keep a secret; etc. Anyway, they don’t get that they are to serve as ears, JUST LISTEN PEOPLE!!! YOU HAVE A HYSTERICAL WOMAN PLOTTING ON THE OTHER END OF THE RECEIVER!!! SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!

Should you find yourself in my situation, here are some things that helped me. And please remember these are things that helped me. Do not get mad at me if this does not work for you. Like I said before, every situation is different.

1. Acknowledge I am ANGRY
2. Pick friends (not associates, neighbors or spiteful relatives) that I can vent to
3. Accept the situation (this does not mean wallow in it and stay there)
4. Move up and on

Anger is a very powerful emotion. It made me think things I dare not speak of or write for fear of being prosecuted under the full extent of the law. Let’s just say that when I called those carefully chosen friends, they heard tales that would have inspired many murder mysteries, a Lifetime movie and a guest appearance on Oprah (of course from behind bars). I was ready to inflict physical violence as a release for the emotional pain I was feeling. I was angry, and with good cause.

Then, those naysayers would tell me to be lady-like and set aside everything for my kids. But again, they didn’t know everything that happened and never will. And I believe that a happy mommy increases the chances of me raising my kids to be happy. I didn’t want them to see a destructive relationship and think it was normal. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I want my kids to avoid this, have healthy relationships and be happy.

So I acknowledged I was angry and took it one day at a time. I am proud to say that I can almost look at couples out in public without vomiting a little in my mouth. This is mostly because I realize, even more than ever, what you see is not necessarily what you get. Who knows what is going on at home? And no, I am not secretly wishing that they have a bad relationship. I just realize that there is no reason why I can’t and won’t have that in my future. It makes all those public displays of affection a lot easier to swallow. Oh look, a pregnant woman, and a man whom I am assuming to be her husband and baby daddy, holding hands looking at useless baby gear in Target. Ugh, where is the nearest bathroom? Just Kidding!

The point of all of this is that me realizing that I was really angry made me feel better. I stopped pretending I wasn’t hurting and could do what I needed to do to take care of myself for once. (Taking care of ourselves is one of those things us women might forget how to do when we are engrossed in a relationship.) And sure, there are some days when I might get angry, but he isn’t dead. I’m not behind bars. And there are no book or movie deals, yet. Hmm… maybe I should forward these blogs to Oprah…

Divorcé Tales: Finding Myself

Like most women: girlfriends, wives and mothers, I got lost in the relationship. I wanted to keep everyone happy. It just cost me my happiness. I was like the last hotdog to come off the grill; crispy, but still good none the less. 

I was forced to look at myself in the mirror. With my hair unkempt and no makeup I asked myself the question countless people have asked, what is the meaning of life? No, seriously, who am I? The meaning of life question is a good one; but one thing at a time.

Who am I, really? I was a wife and mother of two. Ok, I am still a mother of two; but what else? Looking back there were so many things I wanted to do; travel, write, paint, compose, dance, go to law school, be a teacher. But I can’t look back in the past. A lot has happened in the almost ten years I was in a relationship with this man. I have new preferences and desires. Now, what are they? Alas, this cannot be answered in one posting. But I do know I love being creative and try to find humor in any situation.

I am only 29! I have a while to figure the rest out. Now, what is the meaning of life…

Divorcé Tales: Finding Yourself, Regaining Strength and Grasping Happiness

At no point when I imagined my life did I think I would be 29 years old, with two kids, a boy and a girl, 2 years and 10 months respectively, approaching 30 years of age and a divorce. You may wonder, how did I get here? Well, there are so many paths that lead to this destination. I am not the first, so let’s think of all the possible reasons one divorces:

1. Infidelity

2. Abuse

3. Love loss

4. Irreconcilable differences

5. Your spouse has their green card and your services are no longer needed

I, fall into several of these categories and will never discuss in detail which reasons. So, if that’s why you’re reading, stop now, this won’t end well for you. Let’s just say, it sucked a hell of a lot and I never wish this experience on anyone, not even that horse-faced nosy neighbor that pretends to be a friend when all she wants is gossip. Yes, I am talking about you.

I thought I could continue to walk around in a daze or huddle in the corner deleting all my Facebook memories, hoping no one is notified of my activities. Let’s face it, Facebook is not the place to go to keep a secret or do anything in secret. I felt like a flashing sign had but up; “Another failed marriage here! Come look at pictures of a marriage in shams! Comment, post, like!” I wondered, who will notice my newly single status? Who will be the first to comment on something that is completely none of their business? I thought I could stare at my notification bar, or I could do something about it. I chose to do something.

So, if you’re still interested, come along with me as I discuss my tales as a soon-to-be Divorcé on a journey to find myself, regain my strength and be happy.